Wednesday, May 23, 1984
'I now lived within a fire of unsatisfied longing...I saw the beloved apparition of my dream...I called it my mother....I called it my beloved, and had a premonition of its ripe all-fulfilling kiss...'

-Herman Hesse, Abraxas

I did not realize until reading Hesse again how much I have sought the same ideal. I seek the unity of male and female, spiritual and sensual. I love a woman who is a lover to both woman and man, who is both angel and devil, both pure light and searing fire, both old and wise and childlike and foolish.

She is not the goddess, but she is its analogue, its fleshed symbol. And the unity of myself and her is more than that of an ordinary man and woman. We each are half a divinity and half a worshipper at the same time. United, we take part in the creation of a new universe each day.

May 31, 1984
The trip to L.A. was certainly a mixed bag, or a mixed blessing. A lot of good things and feelings came from it. Sleeping in Venice, walking on the beach together, seeing old friends...

And then, as could perhaps be expected, she pulled away. Lots of reasons, perhaps, for that: tattoo stress; fear of feeling too much...without discussion, I could tell that Jackie's invitation didn't go over well because it was to both of us, as a couple. So much for the dream of finding a truly bisexual woman we both could love. That would have been a wonderful opportunity for us, but Jill's jealousy, which went both ways, I'm sure, would not allow it.

Why does she consistently reject everything good and decent around her? Can't she see that there are true friends who want to help, who would be valuable to listen to, like Terry and Pat? When someone like that comes up with a criticism, the thing to do is ask questions, learn more about what may be wrong-- form a basis for understanding the opinion before rejecting and being defensive about it.

Evil Jewelry? Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess whose mother wanted to buy her a gold symbol to wear around her neck on a gold chain. Now, the princess thought it was a great idea to have the symbol, but she wanted one more meaningful, and not of gold, because gold meant wealth, not spiritual goodness. Times changed, and she ended up with a gold symbol, just like all the other princesses.

But that wasn't enough. Then she bought a gold battleax to hang on her gold chain. The battleax was supposed to mean that she loved women. Sometimes it meant that she hated men. But it, too, was gold. Then her mother gave her a pair of gold earrings. She told her they were a symbol of self-indulgence. They didn't mean anything else.

Once all this gold was in place, there appeared a silver dragon. The dragon was beautiful. He was a symbol of ancient strength and magic. He said 'wear me', and she did. Then he said 'Why all this gold around me? Gold is not magic. It is only wealth. Wear me alone; I am all you need.

So, she did. But then she saw the gold gone away, and she was afraid. People might think she was poor. So, she banished the silver dragon, and called him 'evil'.

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