COSMIC COMEDY COLLECTION PAGE ONE

SEX QUIZ Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.
Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around. [And I'm often going 'lickety-split' --c/r]
Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) 'Is it in?'
Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.
Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q.) What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks [commentary by captainrat]

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. [If your prospective boss likes
beer, find out brand and bring two, at least]


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them. [Unless, of course, they shoot first]


3. It's tacky to take a cooler to church. [But if you do, try not to pop the cans during the sermon.]


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. [This
depends on whether you're vacuuming food crumbs, animal or human hair,
or fleas. If the latter, spray first.]


5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to
drive the U-Haul to the funeral home. [If you have a large family,
however, consider reserving one in advance.]

DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private,using one's OWN truck keys.

[bONUS: The earwax on the keys will keep the lock mechanism working smoothly.]


2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as they detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

[note to men: if your girlfriend is 'finger-lickin' good', you don't want to spoil that flavor!]

DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 1st date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall 2 years ago.'
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM, others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie's ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. [A tux is a bit extreme for most, but a minimum of stains and a maximum of pockets is a good practical goal]


4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and the deer's in sight.
2. When approaching a 4-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. [I must disagree here: pantyhose are good for that. They also serve as an emergency fan belt.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too.
5. Don't lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

SEX SAFETY

The doctor told a man that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, 'What the heck, I'll try it.' He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On the way home from work, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at his pant leg. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, 'What?' He heard, ' This is the police. What in the hell are you doing?' The man replied, 'I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted.' The cop says, 'Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.'

RECIPE FOR LOVE: Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
DIRECTIONS :
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur-lined mixing bowl moistens
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results, continue to knead milk containers
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably not overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana doesn't soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If in unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.

The Hypnotist

It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, 'Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience. I will put you under my spell and you will do as I say.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ...' The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
'Shit!' said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

hairassment?

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office, tells him what the coworker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and asks, 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?'
The woman replies, 'He's a midget.'

Top Ten Rejected Valentines Day Cards
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk but the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless one day you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store In hopes that later you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now I'm fulfilled...SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass Our love has grown but so has your ass.
3. You're a honey and you're a cutie I just wished you had J-Lo's 'booty'.
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny So right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

The Gifts
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.
The first said, 'I built a big house for our mother.'
The second said, 'I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.'
The third smiled and said, 'I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.'
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: She wrote the first son, 'Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.'
She wrote the second son, 'Marvin, I am too old to travel I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!'
She wrote the third son, 'Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!'

Never Make a Woman Mad
A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and screamed, 'Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?' The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, 'Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to'.

Hair-itage
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that a little girl does something wrong and makes her mommy cry or makes her unhappy, one of her hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and said... 'Wow! Then you must have really pissed off Grandma!'

sharing the pain

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

Reportedly Taken From Actual Classified Ads In Newspapers:
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CLASSIFRIED ADS
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FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
-----------------------------------------
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.
--------------------------------
AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
-----------------------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-----------------------------------------
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
-----------------------------------------
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
-----------------------------------------
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
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GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART STUPID DOG
-----------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE. BETTER BE REWARD.
-----------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
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FREE 1 CAN OF PORK and BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
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FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
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NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED CALL 948-XXXX, ASK FOR CHUBBIE
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BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING 'WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS'
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GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
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AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
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TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
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OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE and DONUTS
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HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
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NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
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FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
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SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
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HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER 'IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!'
---------------------------------
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
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Her Side of the Story:
He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink.
I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.

We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no.
But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything.
We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love.
But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.

His Side of the Story:
The Yankees lost. Got laid though.

CHILDREN
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, 'Don't.'
'Don't what ?' Adam replied.
'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.' God said.
'Forbidden fruit ? We have forbidden fruit ? Hey, Eve ... we have forbidden fruit !'
'No way !'
'Yes, way !'
'Do NOT eat the fruit !' said God.
'Why ?'
'Because I am your Father and I said so !' God replied, (wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants).
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was He ticked! 'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ?' God, as our first parent, asked. 'Uh huh,' Adam replied.
'Then why did you?' said the Father.
'I don't know,' said Eve.
'She started it !' Adam said,
'Did not !'
'Did too !'
'DID NOT !'
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed!
But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you ?

prescription

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two Aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'

CHILDREN: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
We child-proofed our home years ago and they're still getting in!
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

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