LOGICAL CONCLUSION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure,the smaller your
balls become.
BIOLOGY
If you yelled for 8 years, 7
months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to
heat one cup of coffee... (Hardly seems worth it)
If you farted consistently for
6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy
of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)
The human heart creates enough
pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet
(OMG...!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30
minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig)
A cockroach will live nine days
without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy, but I'm
still not over the pig)
Banging your head against a
wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home .. maybe
at work)
The male praying mantis cannot
copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female
initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ('Honey, I'm home.
What the....')
The flea can jump 350 times its
body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football
field. (30 minutes... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000
taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a
day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life... quality over
quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their
feet. (Something I always wanted to know)
The strongest muscle in the
body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on
average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're
ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animal
that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a
black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)[C/R
NOTE: Pet stores sell a portable UV light designed to let you see
where the smell is. Now that's a real advance in multimedia!]
An ostrich's eye is bigger than
its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I
know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew...? Who cares!) [C/R NOTE: This could be useful in
knowing which way to dodge]
Humans and dolphins are the
only species that have sex for pleasure. (And what about pigs???)
[C/R NOTE: THIS IS OBVIOUSLY UNTRUE. Does someone actually
believe that animals say to themselves, 'It doesn't matter
whether it feels good--I must do it to reproduce'? Absurd! Cats,
for one, have oral sex. Chimpanzes, among others, masturbate.
Dogs sometimes have homosexual intercourse. The only reason any
animal has sex is because it feels good. Humans are the only
animal to question whether feeling good is a good thing.]
EXPRESSIONS FOR WOMEN ON HIGH
STRESS DAYS
1. You --- Off my planet.
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be.....?
6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30
years..
7. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you
weren't sleeping.
13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
16. You say I'm a witch like it's a bad thing.
17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
19. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my job is done here.
20. Earth is full. Go home.
21. Is it time for your medication or mine?
22. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
23. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
A FALLEN STAR
It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following
news. Please join us in remembering a great icon of the
entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered
the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never
knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was
filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very 'smart'
cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old
man, was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John
Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also
survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes
Good Advice From Kids
'Never trust a dog to watch your food.' -Patrick, age 10
'When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' Don't
answer.' -Hannah, age 9
Never tell your Mom her diet's not working.' -Michael, age 14
'Stay away from prunes.' -Randy, age 9
'Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to.' -Emily, age 10
'When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your
hair.' -Taylia, age 11
'Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your
school assignment.' -Traci, age 14
'A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac.' -
Andrew, age 9
'Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.' - Kyoyo,
age 11
'You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.' -Amir,
age 9
'Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.' -Kellie, age
11
'If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.' -Naomi,
age 15
'Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.' -Lauren, age
9
'Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.'
-Joel, age 10
'When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when
she's on the phone.' -Alyesha, age 13
'Never try to baptize a cat.' -Eileen, age 8
FRIENDLY SKIES
United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously
gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood
as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to
descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the
passengers, 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll
be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you
could just put up your trays that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well dressed,
rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you
didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise
your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us down on the
ground.' She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I
am called a Princess. I take orders from no one.'
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I
outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch.'
There was a supervisor who was
told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee.
So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or
Mary. He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let
their reactions help guide his decision.
First he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course,
Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the
situation.
Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By
the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...'
And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've
got a headache!'
NURSERY RHYMES
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
.....but she didn't wear that one very often
****************************************************************
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.
***************************************************************
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
**************************************************************
Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead
*************************************************************
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "Fuck him, He's only an egg.
************************************************************
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
and turned it's wool to nylon
***********************************************************
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.
***********************************************************
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, that dill
Forgot her pill
And now they have a son.
***********************************************************
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own
GIRLS' ENGLISH
'Yes' = No
'No' = Yes
'Maybe' = No
'It's your decision' = the correct decision should be obvious by
now.
'Do what you want' = you'll pay for this later.
'We need to talk' = I need to bitch
'Sure...go ahead' = I don't want you to
'I'm not upset' = of course I'm upset, you moron!
'How much do you love me?' = I did something today you're not
going to really like me for.
'Is my butt fat?' = Tell me I'm beautiful.
'You have to learn to communicate' = Just agree with me.
'Are you listening to me?' = Too late, you're dead.
GUYS' ENGLISH
'I'm hungry' = I'm hungry.
'I'm sleepy' = I'm sleepy.
'I'm tired' = I'm tired.
'Do you want to go to a movie?' = I'd eventually like to have sex
with You.
'Can I take you out! to dinner?' = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you.
'Can I call you sometime?' = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.
'May I have this dance?' = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.
'Nice dress!' = Nice cleavage!
'You look tense, let me give you a massage' = I want to fondle
you
'What's wrong?' = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological
trauma are you going through now?
'What's wrong?' = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
'I'm bored' = Do you want to have sex?
'I love you' = Let's have sex now.
'I love you too' = Okay, I said it..we'd better have sex now!
'Let's talk' = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a
deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
'Will you marry me?' = I want to make it illegal for you to have
sex with other guys.
nuns on the run Two nuns, one
known for her skill in math (M) and the other known for her skill
in logic (L), were walking one dark night far from the convent
when they noticed a man following them. M: Have you noticed that
a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half
minutes? I wonder what he wants.
L: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
M: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the
most. What can we do?
L: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
M: It's not working.
L: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical
thing. He started to walk faster too.
M: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one
minute.
L: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow the logical sister. The mathematical
sister arrives at the convent and is worried about what has
happened to her fellow nun. Then the logical sister arrives.
M: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
L: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us
both, so he followed me.
M: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
L: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I
could and he started to run as fast as he could.
M: And?
L: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
M: Oh, dear! What did you do?
L: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
M: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
L: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
M: Oh, no! What happened then?
L: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run
faster than a man with his pants down.
Construction
A must-read story that will really touch your heart.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One
day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on
the empty lot. The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally
took an interest in all the activity going on next door and
started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually
the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or
less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had
coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and
there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing a dollar.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the
appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the
dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a
savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally
impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had
come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, 'I've been working with a crew
building a house all week.'
My goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working
on the house again this week too?'
I will, if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever
bring us the fuckin' drywall,' replied the little girl.
BLESS YOU!
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first
class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue,
gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to
reading.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue,
gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a
tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.
The man has finally had all he can handle.
He turns to the woman and says, 'Three times you've sneezed and
three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then
shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going
crazy.'
The woman replies, 'I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare
condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.'
The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious
says, 'I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for
it?'
The woman looks at him and says, 'Pepper.'