BETTER THAN MARTHA'S WAY
Martha's Way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
Martha's Way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.
Martha's Way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
MY Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Martha's Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
MY Way: Buy Hungry Jack Mash Potato Mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's Way: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
MY Way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.
Martha's Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
MY Way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha's Way: If you accidentally over-salt a dish, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt.
MY Way: If you over-salt a dish while you're cooking that's too damn bad. My motto is: I made it, you will eat it, I don't care how bad it tastes!
Martha's Way: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it's fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
MY Way: Eat, cook or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.
Martha's Way: To cure a headache, take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
MY Way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore; it is because you are now blind.
Martha's Way: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
MY Way: What leftover wine?
Martha's Way: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potatoes on the stains and rinse with water.
MY Way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the antibacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
Martha's Way: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
MY Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be soft?
Martha's Way: Now look what you can do with Alka-Seltzer: To clean a toilet, drop two tablets in, wait 20 min, brush and flush. To remove a stain from a vase or glass cruet, fill with water and drop in 2 tablets. To polish jewelry, drop two Alka-Seltzertabs into a glass of water and immerse jewelry for two minutes. To clean thermos bottle, fill with water and drop in 4 tabs and let sit for an hour or more (if necessary).
MY Way: Put your jewelry, vases and thermos in the toilet. Add a bottle of Alka-Seltzer tabs and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.
How do you name your children?
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom. 'Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom. 'Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, let's go.'
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen ... had to be a girl.
We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost.
FEELING HIS AGE
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, 'I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?' 'About 35,' was the reply. 'I'm actually 47,' the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, 'Oh, you look about 29'. 'I am actually 47.'
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, 'I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age.'
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, 'Okay, it's done. You are 47.'
Stunned, the man says, 'That was brilliant. How did you do that?' The old lady replies, 'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
1.Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? (You have to hollow out the head.)
2. Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists? (They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.)
3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM RADIO? (It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)
4. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? (They drowned during Spring Training.)
5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? (To see what was on the other side.)
6. How did the blonde die drinking milk? (The cow stepped on her.)
7. How did the blonde burn her nose? (Bobbing for French fries.)
8. Why do blondes have more fun? (They're easier to amuse.)
11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air? (She missed.)
12. What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear? (Data transfer.)
13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? (Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.)
14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead? (She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.)
15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs? (She needed them for the darkroom she was building.)
ONCE A KING...
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned and was told by the
monarch who captured him that he'd be put to death. But the monarch
was impressed with Arthur's youthful happiness and offered Arthur a
way to regain his freedom. He'd have a year to have a question
answered, and if he didn't find an answer, he'd be put to death.
The question was: 'What do women want?'
Such a question would challenge even the most knowledgeable man, and
to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible task. But, he asked
The princesses. The prostitutes. The priests. Wise men. Even the
None could give him a satisfactory answer.
The year came to an end. Arthur had but one day, and he'd been
holding off asking one person, the Old Witch, because he knew her
price would be high.
But, tomorrow would be the day he would be put to death, so he had
She agreed to answer the question, but only if Arthur agreed to her
price first. She wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the
Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend.
The witch was hunchbacked and awfully hideous. She had one tooth and
smelled like sewage water. She made horrible and obscene noises --
he'd never come across a more repugnant creature. He just couldn't
ask his friend to bear such a burden as marrying the Old Witch.
But Gawain, upon learning that Arthur would be put to death, spoke
with Arthur and told him no price was to high to spare Arthur from
So,Arthur told the Old Witch that Gawain would marry her. She, in
turn, gave him the answer. 'What women really want is to be able to
be in charge of their own lives.'
Everyone instantly knew that was indeed the correct answer, and the
monarch did indeed spare Arthur's life. But Arthur was now torn
between relief and anguish as he prepared for the wedding of his
best friend to the Old Witch.
On their wedding day the Old Witch put on her worst manners. She ate
with her hands, belched, farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.
That night, Gawain steeled himself for the worst having to make love
to such a creature. As he opened the bedroom door . . .
. . . there was the most beautiful woman in the world! Gawain was
astounded and asked what happened. The beauty replied that since
he'd been so kind to her (when she was a witch) half of the time
she'd be her horrible self and half of the time she'd be the
beautiful sexy woman she was then.
It was up to him to choose if she was to be beautiful during the day
or during the night.
What a dilemma. Would he rather show off a beautiful woman during
the day and be repulsed at night or be in the company of a hideous
creature in public but be in the company of an angel for the
What to do?
What would *you* do?
Well, Gawain replied that she should choose for herself. Upon
hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all of the
time, because he had respected her and let her be in charge of her
The moral of the story?
It doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly. Smart or dumb.
Underneath it all.....
She's still a witch.
A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it, in order: A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David.
After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time.
The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were held in very high esteem - most likely a family oriented culture.
They probably used the donkey to till the fields. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea. The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.
A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said, 'I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left.
That way it reads, 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!'