PAGE THE FIFTH OF THE COMEDY COLLECTION
PHONING HOME
Bob called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner.
'Hello?' said a little girl's voice.
'Hi, honey, it's Daddy,' said Bob.
'Is mommy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.'
After a brief pause, Bob said, 'But you don't have an Uncle Frank, honey!'
'Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!'
'Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock
on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house.'
'Okay, Daddy!' A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone.
'Well, I did what you said, Daddy.'
'And what happened?'
'Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead.'
'Oh my god! What about Uncle Frank?'
'He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took
out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he's all dead too.'
There was a long pause, then Bob said, 'Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039???'
FIRST AID
Two little girls were playing with a ball in the garden. The ball
rolled under a nearby bush. One of the little girls crawled under it
to get it out. Unfortunately it was a thorn bush, so she got a thorn
stuck in her finger.
Crying, she runs indoors shouting 'Mummy mummy, I've got a thorn
in my finger - get some apple juice!'
Mum says: 'But why do you want apple juice - wouldn't a bandage
be nicer?'
The little girl says: 'Well, I was playing with Rosie, and her big
sister says that whenever she gets a prick in her hand she puts it
in cider.'
A NOSE BY ANY OTHER NAME
A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and
don't talk about private matters in public. At first he holds it in
for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says, 'Will you excuse me, I have to go powder my nose.'
And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom. When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks, 'Did you powder your nose?'
'Yes,' said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.
'Well then,' says the little girl, 'You'd better close your purse
because your lipstick is hanging out'
THE UNEXPLAINABLE
One day this man was in a bar and had had a few. The Bartender noticed that he had a long look on his face. And every time he would order a drink he said, 'There's some thing you jest canšt explain.'
The bartender just had to ask so he inquired about the man's troubles. The man
started on his story.
'I was out one day milking my cows. I brought OLE Bessy into the milking barn and started in on her. When I got about three-fourths a bucket she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. So I took a rope and tied that leg up. I started in on her and when I got about half way full she took her left leg and kicked over the damn bucket again. So, I took another rope and hobbled her left leg and went back to milking. Lo and behold, when I got about a third full that damn cow tipped over that damn bucket with her tail. Her tail of all things.
Well, I didn't have any more rope left. So, I took off my belt and tied it to the beam in the barn.
Well, about that time my pants fell down, the wife walked in, and, well, there's some things you jest caint explain
WHERE?
Many Chicago folks heard this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.
The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or
she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: 'Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'MateMatch'?'
Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'
DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please.'
Contestant: 'Brian.'
DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'
Brian: 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?'
Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'
DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'
Brian: 'Sara.'
DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'
Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'
DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'
DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'
Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'
DJ: 'Brian! Stay with me here!'
Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'
DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'
Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'
DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'
Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'
DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?'
Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'
DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'
Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks...'
DJ: 'Uh huh...'
Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'
DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.'
3 minutes of commercials follow.
DJ: 'Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?'(touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: 'Kinkos.'
DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'
Clerk: 'This is she.'
DJ: 'Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'
Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'
DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'MateMatch'?'
Sarah: 'No.'
DJ: 'Good!'
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'
Brian (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'
DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?'
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'
DJ: 'What time?'
Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'
DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'
Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'
DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?'
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Where did you have it?'
Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?'
Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'
DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and...'
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: 'In the ass.....'
After a long pause, the DJ said, 'Folks, we need to take a station break.'
Things You Won't See On Hallmark Cards
GREETINGS
OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
INSIDE: that you're not here to ruin it for me.
OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas,
INSIDE: I hope it's your sister.
OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.
OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in Hell 'til I met you.
OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
INSIDE: What the fuck was I thinking?
OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.
OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.
OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family.
INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!
OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you.
INSIDE: It's almost like you're here.
OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: Buy a dog.
OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?
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