1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail addresses.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it’s time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, What's for dinner?
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
9. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and takes planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
14. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
15. You consider second day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored Post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
24. You’re reading this.
25. Even worse; you’re going to forward it to someone else.
TEXAS THREE KICK RULEA big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."
(I love this part......)
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
*****************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************STAND-IN CONFESSORA priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.
A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asks "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
HEAD
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.
The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left...then to the right...right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head
Dinner Conversations
WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: Shit.
UNCLE
A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, " Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, " Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother thinks, " Wow, that's not a bad name. I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, " What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, " Denephew."
COMFORTING DOC
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.
"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"
"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll
have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."
Mr. Jones begins to sob.
"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.
"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."
Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder and says, "Hey, I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yes, he's pretty well burned up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
CREATION
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the bust of his madam,
He chuckled with mirth,
For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em!
AGE-OLD SECRET
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends
$5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she
stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales
clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32" the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonalds and upon getting her order,
asks the counter girl the same question. She replies "I'd guess about
29." The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good
about herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the
same question. He replies "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go.
When I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but
it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your
boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are." They waited in silence
on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she
finally says, "What the hell, go ahead." The old man slips both hands up
her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of
minutes she says, " Okay, okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands and
says, "You are 47." Stunned the woman says, "That is amazing. How did
you know?" The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at
McDonald's..."
THREE WISHESA man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel
dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has
breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out
of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls
it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He
opens it and out pops a genie....
But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull
grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked
behind one ear.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three
wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS
agent."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks
like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
POOF
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And
he is surrounded with jugs of juice and beverages and platters of
delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
POOF
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter
where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
POOF
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?
If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
Baby Penis Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She
informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the
maturity of 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her
soooo much. However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up
and admit that he too had a deformity. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and
said... "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant
and hope you could deal with that once we are married. She said, "Yes I
will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis. " Sandy
and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim
whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching,
teasing, holding one another. . . As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants,
she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find
out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an
infant! " "Yes it is" he said. . . . . "8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches
long! ! "
GOD
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally
behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to
check it out.
So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth, 95% are
misbehaving and 5% are not. He thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I
had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."
So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too. When
the second angel returned she went to God and said, "Yes, the Earth is
in decline, 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good." God was not
pleased.
So He decided to E-Mail the 5% that were good because He wanted to
encourage them...give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said.......? ... ... ... ... You didn't get
one either, huh?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ALERT
I received the
following warning from a good friend of mine yesterday and I wanted to
pass it along to you. You really have to be careful these days...
SEND THIS WARNING TO EVERYONE ON YOUR EMAIL LIST!!! IF A MAN COMES TO
YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND ASKS YOU TO SHOW
HIM YOUR BOOBS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS! THIS IS A SCAM!! HE ONLY
WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid. Signed, The Blonde