PAGE FOUR OF THE COMEDY COLLECTION



PSALM 129


A priest is driving along and, seeing a nun on the side of the road, stops and offers her a lift which she accepts. She gets in and crosses her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg.
The priest sees this and nearly runs off the road. After changing gears he lets his hand slide up her leg.
She immediately says, 'Father, remember psalm 129.' The priest quickly apologizes and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on when he changes gears and has ogled her leg for the zillionth time he lets the hand slide up it again.
The nun once again says, 'Father, remember psalm 129.' Once again the priest apologizes, 'Sorry, sister, but you know how the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way. Arriving at his church he immediately rushes to the bible and looks up Psalm 129.
It says: 'GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY' MORAL OF THIS LITTLE STORY: YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE WELL INFORMED IN YOUR JOB OR YOU MIGHT MISS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY.........Amen

TRANSLATION


There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs, She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store.....so what did she do? (please scroll page down).
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What were you thinking?
Helloooooo, her husband speaks English!!!!!!!!

DEFINITIONS


FLABBERGASTED (adj.): appalled over how much weight you have gained.
ABDICATE (v.): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
CARCINOMA (n.): a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
ESPLANADE (v.): to attempt an explanation while drunk.
WILLY-NILLY (adj.): impotent
NEGLIGENT (adj.): describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
LYMPH (v.): to walk with a lisp.
GARGOYLE (n.): an olive-flavored mouthwash.
BUSTARD (n.): a very rude Metrobus driver.
COFFEE (n.): a person who is coughed upon.
FLATULENCE (n.): the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
BALDERDASH (n.): a rapidly receding hairline.
TESTICLE (n.): a humorous question on an exam.
SEMANTICS (n.): pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
RECTITUDE (n.): the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
MARIONETTES (n.): residents of Washington who have been jerked around by the mayor.
OYSTER (n.): a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
CIRCUMVENT (n.): the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
And here are some new words:
FRISBATARIANISM (n.): the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
SARCHASM: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.
REINTARNATION: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
GIRAFFITI: Vandalism spray-painted very high.
FOREPLOY: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously.
OSTEOPORNOSIS: A degenerate disease.
KARMAGEDDON: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
GLIBIDO: All talk and no action.
DOPELER EFFECT: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
INTAXICATION: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
. IGNORANUS: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

WOMEN DRIVERS


I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane. It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!

ENUNCIATE


Two tourists were driving thru Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. 'Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN:


* You answer the door before people knock.
* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
* You ski uphill.
* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* You chew on other people's fingernails.
* Your T-shirt says, 'Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend.'
* You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
* You can jump-start your car without cables.
* Cocaine is a downer.
* All your kids are named 'Joe'.
* You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
* Your only source of nutrition comes from 'Sweet & Low.'
* You don't sweat, you percolate.
* You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
* You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
* You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
* Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
* You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
* People get dizzy just watching you.
* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
* Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* When someone says. 'How are you?', you say, 'Good to the last drop.'
* You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
* Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
* You're offended when people use the word 'brew' to mean beer.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
* You short out motion detectors.
* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* You think being called a 'drip' is a compliment.
* You don't tan, you roast.
* You can't even remember your second cup.
* You help your dog chase its tail.

TEN THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN.


1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have breasts.

911


A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garden shed - she could see it from the bedroom window. He said that he hadn't been in the shed that day. He looked, and saw that there were people in the shed, stealing things.
He called the police, but they told him that no one was in his area, so no one was available to catch the thieves. He said ok, hung up, counted to 30 and called the police again. 'Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot them all.'
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to this man: 'I thought you said you'd shot them!' He replied: 'I thought you said there was no one available!'

A HOLE IN TWO


A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady who was was ahead of him, so he went to her and said, 'I don't know what hole I'm on. Please help me.' She replied, 'You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7 and you're on 6'. He thanked her and continued playing golf.
On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went up to her again. 'I'm sorry to bother you again. I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on'. She replied, 'You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14 and you're on 13.' Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. She replied, 'I'm in sales.' He said, 'No kidding, so am I. What do you sell?' She said, 'I sell tampons'. He immediately fell to the floor laughing hystericallly and said, 'I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you.'

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