wisdom and humor are co-conspirators in the plot to open minds and foment thought.
in order to tow a head out of a mental rut, often you have to distract it while you hook it up to the winch.

SarahPalindrome: A sentence or phrase that makes no sense frontward or backward.

A river was dammed, creating a lake so that area residents could enjoy boating. However, a town downstream on the river experienced an inadequete water supply as a result. They took the matter to court, and the judge ordered the dam builders to let more water through. Remember, he said, that ONE MAN'S SAILING IS ANOTHER MAN'S FLOW,

BEER: A malt beverage usually containing a small amount of alcohol.
BEER: (alt) One who exists; especially, one who is aware of existing.
HAVE ANOTHER BEER AND BE SOMEBODY--Lorenzo Newton, Hollywood, CA, 1970

I went to sleep one April, and woke up in June. I was dismayed.



Signs and Shirts
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Cashtration: A single man who experiences an extreme loss of cash flow and can no longer afford to impress the ladies suffers from cashtration or financial impotence.
Textpectation: The feeling of anticipation one gets waiting for a response to a text message.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes!
Wrinkled.... Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
Procrastinate..... Now
My Dog Can Lick Anyone
I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?
Finally 21, and Legally Able to do Everything I've been doing since I was 15
Arkansas: One Million People and 15 last names
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
Time is fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog
POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on.
HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
MOP AND GLOW - The Floor Wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room spinning-medicine.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a bananna. .
In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count that votes.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered..
A long knife has been invented that cuts four loaves of bread at a time called a four loaf cleaver. .
Why did the programmer think Halloween was Christmas? Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.
There are 10 different kinds of people in this world -- those who understand binary and those who don't.
If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
-- Maslow
Well. I'd eclair, she said sweetly; Have you seen Choco lately?


Written upon decucing the particular pollen to which I am allergic

I like to look at bushes
Of many shapes and size
To inhale the lovely scent
Between the tender thighs.
Dense and dark,
Or light and breezy;
Or kind of sleazy...
I'll probe a bush most happily,
Unless the bush is Mulberry.

--by captain rat

The camel has a single hump;
The dromedary two;
Or else the other way around.
I'm never sure. Are you?
-- Ogden Nash

Discarded sandwich bags are being blamed for the emergence of a bizarre creature in Scottish waterways. Authorities refer to it as the ziplock-ness monster

'Eleven plus two" is an anagram of 'twelve plus one'
Since the successful launch of space shuttle Columbia on mission STS-90 there have been more crickets in space than humans.
There are no WAL-Marts in Afghanistan. They're all Targets.
The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.
It's due to the innate animosity of inanimate objects
A Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.
Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.
Only 55 percent of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
"There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't." - Robert Benchley
If you enjoy incest, you should always know which side of the bed your brother is on.
Don't sweat the petty things. pet the sweaty things.
Why don't RUGGED and CARPETED mean the same thing?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
To circumsize a whale, they have to send down 4 skin divers.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?

'He could talk a dog off a meatwagon.'

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts' and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Everyone knows that on May 5, Mexico observes El Cinco de Mayo. But,
whose ship was it, and why did someone sink it?
The problem with blueberry bagels is that you're never sure the blue isn't bread mold.
What would a chair look like if our knees were on the back of our legs? --kelly bundy

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
If there's an uptown and a downtown, why isn't there a right-town and a left-town?
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers.
They'll call it Fairwell Honeychild.

It was announced that Wurlitzer is merging with Xerox.
They are going to market ... reproductive organs.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One turns to the other
and says, "I think I've lost my electron." The other asks,
"Are you sure?" "Yes," the first says, "I'm positive."

A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a drink.
When it's served, he asks how much it will be.
"For you," the bartender answers, "no charge."

is dilution an adult trait?

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro" -Hunter S Thompson

a pretty woman is worth a thousand words...
but some of them will just get you a long sentence


if you encounter an error,
please report it to the department of corrections

why isn't the word 'phonetic' spelled the way it sounds?

It is better to copulate than never.

repititious rhythm is the essense of the act of love,
which poetry is always, conciously or unconciously,
trying to simulate.

Do I smoke after sex? I never looked.

Do it now! There might be a law against it tomorrow.

Do not expose this tagline to direct sunlight.

when your browser crashes just as you are about to finish downloading a really
erotic jpg file, you might call it 'codus interruptus'

Do televangelists do more than lay people?

C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files ^^^oo^^^

C:\DAMSEL.EXE crosslinked w/DISTRESS.COM--RESCUE?(y/n)

Entropy ain't what it used to be.

"Energize!" said Picard and the pink bunny appeared...

"Imagination is more important than knowledge" - Einstein

Your descendants shall gather your fruits. -- Virgil

Your E-Mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage

Law is order, and good law is good order. --Aristotle

Leave no stone unturned. -- Euripides (431 BC)

Leave no stern untoned. --a boat painter (1983 CE)

Leave no tern unstoned. --a man who fed hemp seeds to sea-birds (1969 CE)

Let each man exercise the art he knows. --Aristophanes

Liars when they speak the truth are not believed--Aristotle

Life is one long struggle in the dark. --Lucretius (55 BC)

Life without learning is death. Cicero

Life would be easier if I had the source code.

The question is not yet settled - whether madness is or is not the loftiest form of intelligence; whether all that is profound does not spring from disease of thought --Edgar Allen Poe

The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without
repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order,
as does arsenious, meaning, "containing arsenic."


Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I keep from losing my documents in the middle of my work?
A: Stop shaking it.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."
"Energize!" said Picard and the pink bunny appeared..
"I think not," said Descartes, and promptly disappeared.

A cult is a religion without political power.

ASCII stupid question, get stupid ANSI

Aural sex produces eargasms.

AUTOEXEC.BAT = Lee Iacocca as a vampire.

Behaviorist psychology -- pulling habits out of rats

Move your vowels every day or you'll get consonated.

a limerick

One day the great Brooklyn preacher
Said, "That hen is a wonderful creature!"
When the fowl heard of that,
She laid an egg in his hat,
And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
--world book encyclopedia, 1927

another limerick
once a young fellow named enos
made love to a sculpture of venus
said the judge, mouth agape,
"that's statuatory rape!
i can tell by the bruise on his penis."
--captain rat

more one-liners

brevity is the soul of wit

(HE WHO WEARS NO BRIEFS is even more in touch with himself)

Technology is simply a means of manipulating the world
so you don't have to experience it.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept
and the hours are lost.

Even if you are on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them
that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Make failure your teacher, not your undertaker.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

I don't get even, I get odder.


---------captain rat

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

I am an escapee of a political correction facility.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

A day without sunshine is like night.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

If it weren't for me, there'd just be a pile of my clothes on the floor.

I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.

...and sometimes the bear eats you.

...ywercs lla og tsuj sgniht semitemoS

113 grams, 10 milliliters ... He's lead, Jim.

186,282.3959 mi/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW.

640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

9 out of 10 men who tried Camels prefer women.

9.8 m/sec: Not just a good idea; it's the LAW!

:) :D :O :( :[ ;) 8) B) :> |I :P =) :S :B :] :\

<----- The information went data way ----->

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

A procrastinator's work is never done.

A truly lazy person is never bored.

All true wisdom is found in taglines.

Anal retentive people don't give a crap.

Anatomically Correct beats Policically Correct ANY DAY!

And Adam asked "What's a Headache?"

And God said: E = «mvý - Zeý/r, and there was light.

Anything that can go wr ... # ^% Bus Error -- Core

Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key.

Are Cheerios really donut seeds?

ASCII stupid question, get stupid ANSI

Aural sex produces eargasms.

AUTOEXEC.BAT = Lee Iacocca as a vampire.

DEVICEHIGH: Your device driver on drugs.
Diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.
Did Qmodem originate in the Q continuum?

If Corn Oil Is Made From Corn, What's Baby Oil Made From?
If flies couldn't fly, would they be called walks?
Awwww its just a Harmless little Bunny!

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

Bad command or file name. Go sit in corner.

If only Einstein had a 486DX-33....

If plugging it in doesn't help, turn it on.

If puns are outlawed, only outlaws will have puns.

If rich, eat when you please. If poor, eat when you can.

Nine times out of ten the statisticians are wrong.

Nixon's Principle: If 2 wrongs don't make a right, try 3.

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit

Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.

Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.

ROM wasn't built in a day.

Ruling a country is like cooking a small fish. -Lao-tzu

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. -Euripides

Too little sex makes you repeat yourself redundantly.

'i love biting into a good slice of bread', he said with a rye grin.

Vultures only fly with carrion luggage.

Was Jimi Hendrix's modem a Purple Hayes?

What's another word for "thesaurus?"

Mobius strippers never show you their back side.

bumpersnickers by angel; see ratlinks page for site link

Cosmic Comedy
back to main page
rat's nest