1. Never take a
beer to a job interview. [If your prospective boss likes
beer, find out brand and bring two, at least]
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
[Unless, of course, they shoot first]
3. It's tacky to take a cooler to church. [But if you do, try not
to pop the cans during the sermon.]
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
[This
depends on whether you're vacuuming food crumbs, animal or human
hair,
or fleas. If the latter, spray first.]
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude
to
drive the U-Haul to the funeral home. [If you have a large
family,
however, consider reserving one in advance.]
DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour
slowly so as not to 'bruise' the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with your hands.
ENTERTAINING IN
YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared
by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good
his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done
in private,using one's OWN truck keys.
[bONUS: The earwax on the keys will keep the lock mechanism working smoothly.]
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as they
detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger
foods.
[note to men: if your girlfriend is 'finger-lickin' good', you don't want to spoil that flavor!]
DATING (Outside
the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 1st
date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been
wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the
bathroom wall 2 years ago.'
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some
will say 10:00 PM, others might say 'Monday.' If the
latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to
school on time.
THEATER
ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after
the movie's ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky
appearance. [A tux is a bit extreme for most, but a minimum of
stains and a maximum of pockets is a good practical goal]
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes
for the occasion.
DRIVING
ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the
gun's loaded and the deer's in sight.
2. When approaching a 4-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. [I must
disagree here: pantyhose are good for that. They also serve as an
emergency fan belt.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it's
impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too.
5. Don't lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
RECIPE FOR LOVE:
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
DIRECTIONS :
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur-lined mixing bowl moistens
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results, continue to knead milk containers
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably not overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana doesn't soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If in unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.
Top Ten Rejected Valentines Day Cards
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
but the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless one day you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that later you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled...SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown but so has your ass.
3. You're a honey and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's 'booty'.
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
The Gifts
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they
were able to give to their elderly mother.
The first said, 'I built a big house for our mother.'
The second said, 'I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.'
The third smiled and said, 'I've got you both beat. You know how
Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent
her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20
monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to
contribute $100,000 a year for 10 years, but it was worth
it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot
will recite it.'
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: She wrote
the first son, 'Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in
only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.'
She wrote the second son, 'Marvin, I am too old to travel
I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the
driver is so rude!'
She wrote the third son, 'Dearest Melvin, you were the only son
to have the good sense to know what your mother likes.
The chicken was delicious!'
Never Make a Woman Mad
A
wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another
woman. With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the
stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and
put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the
handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and
screamed, 'Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?' The
wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's
hand and said, 'Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever
you have to'.
Hair-itage
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She
suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair
sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother
and inquisitively asks, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' Her
mother replied, 'Well, every time that a little girl does something
wrong and makes her mommy cry or makes her unhappy, one of her hairs
turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while
and said... 'Wow! Then you must have really pissed off Grandma!'
Reportedly Taken From Actual Classified Ads In Newspapers: CLASSIFRIED ADS
--------------------------------
-----------------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S
DOG
-----------------------------------------
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.
--------------------------------
AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
-----------------------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-----------------------------------------
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG,
5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
-----------------------------------------
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
-----------------------------------------
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
-----------------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD
PART STUPID DOG
-----------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE.
BETTER BE REWARD.
-----------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
-----------------------------
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK and BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
-----------------------------------------
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
-----------------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED CALL 948-XXXX, ASK FOR CHUBBIE
-----------------------------------------
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING 'WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS'
-----------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
-----------------------------------------
AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
-----------------------------------------
TIRED OF WORKING FOR
ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
-----------------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE and DONUTS
-----------------------------------------
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
----------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
------------------------------------
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
-----------------------------------
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
-------------------------------------
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
'IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!'
---------------------------------
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
----------------------------
Her Side of the Story:
He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a
bar for a drink.
I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it
might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I
promised, but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go
off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant
and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and
started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked
him, and he said no.
But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back
home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm
around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you
know he didn't say it back or anything.
We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to
leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on
the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10
minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love.
But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just
wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's
seeing someone else.
His Side of the Story:
The Yankees lost. Got laid though.
CHILDREN
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort
from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to
His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And
the first thing he said was, 'Don't.'
'Don't what ?' Adam replied.
'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.' God said.
'Forbidden fruit ? We have forbidden fruit ? Hey, Eve ... we have
forbidden fruit !'
'No way !'
'Yes, way !'
'Do NOT eat the fruit !' said God.
'Why ?'
'Because I am your Father and I said so !' God replied,
(wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after making the
elephants).
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break
and was He ticked! 'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ?'
God, as our first parent, asked. 'Uh huh,' Adam replied.
'Then why did you?' said the Father.
'I don't know,' said Eve.
'She started it !' Adam said,
'Did not !'
'Did too !'
'DID NOT !'
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that
Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern
was set and it has never changed!
But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently
and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken
it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising
children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for
you ?
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two Aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'
CHILDREN: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Grandchildren are God's
reward for not killing your children.
Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word
for word what you shouldn't have said.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind
yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
We child-proofed our home years ago and they're still getting in!
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.